A listener production.
There is a tool that works and that you don't have to be the victim of your patterns and
behaviors and belief systems from your past because there's process in this.
And so if you're struggling and you're wondering, how am I going to stick to that resolution
or how am I going to make these changes I want to make, look no further.
And I mean that with conviction.
Hi, I'm Jess Rowe.
And this is the Jess Rowe Big Talk Show.
A podcast that skips the small talk and goes big and deep.
From love to loss and everything in between, I want to show you a different side of people
who seem to have it all together in these raw and honest conversations about the things
The New York Times calls Gabrielle Bernstein a role model for a new generation of spiritual
Gabrielle Bernstein.
Led by bestselling author and podcast host, Gabrielle Bernstein.
Gabrielle Bernstein.
Her fans include, you might know them, Oprah, Win The Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston, New York
Times bestselling author and motivational speaker, Gabby Bernstein.
Gabby Bernstein is a number one New York Times bestselling author, spiritual teacher, international
motivational speaker and a self-love specialist.
Oprah Winfrey calls her a next generation thought leader.
And as such a leader, Gabby has been transforming lives for more than 18 years.
And her latest book, Self Help, is the ultimate guide to healing your life and rethinking
the patterns that hold you back.
I can't wait to share with you the ways that Gabby suggests you can make 2025 your year.
And I was especially looking forward to Gabby taking me through some ways that I can get
through some of the big blocks I've had in my life.
Gabby, it really is such a treat to be talking with you.
You are full of wisdom.
You are such a spiritual leader for so many of us.
And I think what's so fitting about talking with you now is that we're starting a new
And this is a time of reflection for many people, but it's also a time when we think
about we want to make change in our life, but we can feel stuck and overwhelmed.
So perhaps before we get into your beautiful new book, Self Help, could you share with
us some tips about how we can make our resolutions come true for us this year?
Well, I definitely think, first of all, thank you for having me.
It's wonderful to be with you.
And I think that the method I'm going to teach you guys today from my book, Self Help, is
actually the best practice for making your resolutions stick.
Because the reasons that our resolutions don't stick or the reasons that we block our desires
and our manifestations is because of the belief systems that we carry.
And so if we believe that we're unworthy of love, then we will not attract that love that
If we believe that we need to play small so that we don't shine too bright, we will continue
to block our successes.
And so no matter how many ways we try to push ourselves into a resolution or try to force
something to be new, it won't be new until we become new on the inside.
And so that's my best advice for this year is ditch your resolutions and do the self
help work because the best resolution of all is to heal the beliefs that are inside of
you that are holding you back.
And when you heal those belief systems, then your external world just starts to unfold
and you don't have to actually force any kind of resolution.
You can allow your life to change.
And I mean that with conviction.
We get stuck on our outer world and things that we can change outside thinking that will
shift what is happening internally.
And it's we ignore what's happening inside because it's frightening and it's scary.
Well, we don't often want to face what's happening on the inside.
What's so nice about the method that I'm going to share with you guys today is that you don't
actually have to face the really deep, dark, scary things.
You can touch into some of the patterns.
You can touch into some of the feelings.
You can do a little bit of a check in with these extreme patterns or these sort of day
And the more you practice this, the easier it will be to maybe go a little deeper and
a little deeper and a little deeper.
But I'm not suggesting that we have to go so far in to do the things that are too scary
for us because that won't work.
But what will work is having a gentle process of going inward.
And you yourself have had an extraordinary process of going inward.
You've had experiences of addiction and trauma.
How did you manage those to then change your life to where you're at now?
Well, I've been continuing to heal even today, day by day.
And the journey that I have underwent is really a journey of mainly 19 years of spiritual
development, personal growth, and therapeutic support.
And I think that the beautiful message from the 12 steps of one day at a time and showing
up for yourself through the practices that resonate with you in that moment in time and
what's resonant for you at that moment is what will heal you in that moment.
And then as I've continued on my journey, I might go a little deeper and a little deeper
and a little deeper.
And it's definitely that metaphor of peeling back the layers of the onion is the perfect
metaphor for healing because we don't just bite into the onion, we just slowly peel back
the layers until we get to the core.
And that has been my journey, truly.
And that's what I would wish upon anybody is a slow recovery.
You've written about that journey and there was a beautiful moment where you spoke about
a prayer that you whispered, but I need help.
Tell us about that.
Yeah, early in my sober recovery, before I got sober, I said a prayer the day that I
chose to get sober on October 2nd of 2005, I said a prayer, I need a miracle because
I was hitting my bottom with addiction.
And I heard an inner voice speak back to me and say, get clean and you will live a life
beyond your wildest dreams.
And that was the message that I heard clearly, took the message, got sober that day.
And that began my journey of spiritual development and therapeutic recovery.
And those invisible angel wings picked you up.
Yeah, I think that that's a big through line throughout my own recovery and my own spiritual
journey is that I've had a really strong connection to the spiritual realm.
And I believe in the spirit guides and angels and God, a God of my own understanding.
And that faith has been a huge support system for me as I've grown spiritually and developed
in a therapeutic ways.
And I think that when we embark on any kind of inner work and inner healing, having any
kind of spiritual faith of our own is very, very valuable, very valuable.
Because you know, Oprah Winfrey, she has called you a next generation thought leader.
I mean, that's incredible endorsement from one of the most incredible women in the world.
How does that make you feel?
You know, I think that when you're on the path of your own personal development and
that's your primary goal, then these external accomplishments or recognition are wonderful.
But they're also a reflection of how you feel inside because we manifest what we believe.
So I think that when we start to have these experiences and we don't feel like, oh my
God, I've made it and now my life is perfect.
That's a good sign.
Because it means that that you don't believe that these external things are the source
of your happiness.
And you believe that they're reflection of what you believe about yourself.
So neutral, I suppose.
It's an evolved way of thinking.
I don't think I was so neutral when I was 32 and on Oprah thinking that I was pretty
So today I feel neutral.
And it sort of points to, doesn't it, how we are all still very much works in progress
that were never quite there yet.
And I think what's so powerful about the work that you do in your books, Gabby, is that
We can't just dip in and out of these things.
Yeah, no, I agree with you.
I think that I have made my personal development and my spiritual practice a daily commitment.
So the tools that I writing about in self-help, I practice multiple times today just to get
through the day sometimes.
And I practice what I preach.
And if you want freedom inside and you want to be effortlessly manifesting your desires
and you want to feel connected to people and you want to feel free from your burdened pasts
and your stories and your beliefs, then it does take commitment and it does take a desire
But that question I often ask people is, if you're not doing that and you're living your
life this other way of sort of avoiding the inner work or avoiding any kind of therapeutic
setting or just totally shut off from it, my question usually is, well, how's that working
The answers are pretty clear.
And that, though, is a very uncomfortable, difficult question to ask.
And it's even more uncomfortable to sit with that because for many of us, it doesn't serve
And I think that that's why this practice in self-help is so valuable because it's not
pushing somebody to go force them to go deep into the wounds that they don't want to face
It's just asking you to become a little curious and connected to the behaviors and beliefs
that might be running your life on a day-to-day basis, kind of the less extreme patterns but
still extreme nonetheless, and the belief systems that you just feel like, ah, you know,
it'd be nice if I didn't keep going back to that story of I'm inadequate or it'd be nice
if I didn't keep running to the refrigerator every time I needed to self-soothe or it'd
be great if I could actually make that commitment to stop raging on my husband, you know?
And so if you have a desire to change a pattern that's holding you back, then this is your
book and this is your practice.
And you don't have to go excavate those horrifying wounds from your childhood.
They're there, they're underneath these patterns, and you can do that work in deeper therapy.
But this is a self-help practice that you can do right here right now in a way that's
effective for you.
So let's then talk about those particular processes that you have for us.
You have, it's a four-step check-in process in your beautiful book Self-Help.
And I think about, say, for myself, I'm a terrible procrastinator, Gabby.
I procrastinate, I put things off, and then I become resentful.
And that's something that I would like to change coming into the new year.
And I'm sure for many, many people listening, there are other sorts of things that they
want to shift and change.
Could you be generous enough to share with us how we can do that four-step check-in process?
Would you like to do it with the procrastinator?
That would be so wonderful.
Let's check in with the procrastinator.
Okay, so you have awareness that there is this procrastination part of you.
And what I would like to guide you to understand is that procrastination is a protection mechanism.
And it's protecting you from maybe feeling some deeper feelings from, that are probably
But we don't need to go too far into the what or the how, but just notice that maybe it's
something that's showing up to be a form of protection.
And so instead of checking out and going into procrastination, let's check in with it.
So the first step is to choose to check in with that part of you.
And that would be, you've already done that because you said, yes, let's do it, Gabby.
The second step is to become curious about that part, so focusing your attention inward
towards the part of you that procrastinates.
Yes, closing your eyes is beautiful.
And gently asking this part of you a few questions.
So how long has it been around?
And you could get a little bit more of a connection right now asking, where does it live in your
How do you feel it?
How does it show up for you physically?
It's in my stomach.
And how long has it been around?
Yeah, it's often the answer, yes.
I would say since I was a little girl, it's been there.
And manifested itself in different ways.
And are there any thoughts or feelings or sensations that are associated with it that
come to mind right now?
Well, I would say some shame and embarrassment and resentment.
And anything else that that part of you wants to reveal or share with us right now?
That it's okay to be just as I am.
And what am I afraid of?
Why am I putting things off?
Well, that's actually another part of you that's kind of overriding this part.
So let's ask that part of you to step aside for a moment and just check in a little bit
more with a little bit more curiosity.
How old is this this procrastinator?
Probably I'd say eight, eight or nine years old.
And are there any other feelings, sensations or stories attached to it or belief systems
attached to it that it wants to share with us?
That I was a sad little girl, lonely and shy and embarrassed.
And so connecting a little bit more closely to that little girl and the procrastinator
part of you that's been around since you were eight.
Compassionately connecting, ask the part of you what it needs.
Now, can you put your hand on your heart and your hand on your belly and just give yourself
some love breathing into that space and that desire for a hug and just breathe into it.
And then on the exhale, let that go and just take another deep breath in and breathe into
it and let it go.
And then open your eyes and just notice inside of yourself any feelings or sensations and
notice what you feel right now.
This is the fourth step.
How do you feel right now?
I feel sad and vulnerable, but I feel like it's okay as well.
I'm giving myself permission.
Do you feel connected to the part?
You feel connected to it.
Do you feel, when you say lighter, does that mean like a little more calmness inside?
It's almost like a mini meditation, Gabby.
What a privilege.
It was really courageous and also really connected.
So what happened was just through those steps, instead of checking out with the procrastinator,
the next time the procrastinator shows up, if you have enough awareness of that part
of you, you can check in instead.
And so when you checked in, you felt like you had a connection to the part and you felt
a little bit more calm and you felt some relief potentially.
And you were able to notice that it wants a hug.
You're kind of able to breathe with it.
And then my guess is that if you do that process, you may be able to be more likely to take
action from a different energy rather than stay stuck in procrastination.
Or just keep procrastinating, but not judging it in this moment, right?
Do the best you can with what you've got.
But that's the process of instead of checking out, you check in.
And sit in the discomfort.
Would that be also what that is about?
Because it was hard for me to do that, to actually stay there.
It depends on the type of part that you're checking in with, but that's a big part for
you and you went to a deep one quickly, so I was very brave.
And the curiosity part, yes, it can be overwhelming to feel those feelings or to check in with
So you do it at your own pace.
And then the part where you ask and compassionately connect, what do you need right now, is such
a beautiful gift.
When do you ever ask yourself, what do you need?
You just override the feelings and push past them.
But what if we just became curious about them and just compassionately connected to them?
Asking what they need.
And that is so beautiful, Gabby, that what do we need, because we don't ask ourselves
Externally, I know I give people what they need, but often I'll lose myself in that and
I'll forget what is it that I need.
That's exactly right.
And you're giving what I think is so beautiful about your book, Self Help, is that you're
giving people the tools to ask, what do I need?
And you're doing it in a simple way.
Yeah, well, that's the thing.
I think that this is such a simple practice and it might feel...
And then you can take it at your own pace.
You can journal with it.
You can bring prayer into it.
There's meditative practices connected to it.
And it's the simplicity of these four steps that's the through line throughout the book.
So you can just master it by the end of the book.
And it can become a tool that you use in any given moment to check in instead of check
out and you start putting this pattern interrupt in between that stimulus and the reaction
to that stimulus.
And then you become less reactive and less extreme and you start to feel more safe inside.
And when we check out, it's often with those external things that you might do to numb
And in your case, checking out, you might check out with procrastination and other things
We have many ways of checking out.
For our listeners who might be procrastination they're managing, being a people pleaser,
many, many things that we're all struggling or dealing with, all of us have a story.
What would be an overriding message, Gabby, that you could leave them with as they embark
on this new year?
Well, I'm thrilled to leave them with the message that there is a tool that works and
that you don't have to be the victim of your patterns and behaviors and belief systems
from your past because there's process in this.
If it's backed by a therapeutic model, it's a self-help practice.
And so if you're struggling and you're wondering, how am I going to stick to that resolution
or how am I going to make these changes I want to make, look no further.
And I mean that with conviction.
And so for me, should I be looking to do that checking in each day?
I would say all throughout the day if you want.
If you can do it once a day, that'd be great.
But if you can do it throughout the day, that's even better.
But do the best you can.
Don't put any pressure on yourself.
Everything should be easy for you.
Oh, well, as I begin my year, this is what I'm going to be starting with, with these
good intentions, Gabby.
And thank you for sharing your wisdom, your spiritual guidance, and your beautiful words
through self-help.
It's been a real privilege to talk with you.
And thank you for taking me through that process.
I feel enormously lucky to have had you do that for me.
Thank you for the courage to go there with me.
It was beautiful.
Well, that four-step process that Gabby took me through, it took me to another place.
And I hope that there were some steps that you can use to, in your life, as you think
about how you want 2025 to be, tapping into what is it that your heart is telling you,
connecting to that, and listening to that.
I'm really going to try, I'm going to try and not be a procrastinator.
And also, at the same time, to be gentle on myself and realise that none of us are perfect.
But there are ways that we can make our life as best for ourselves as we possibly can.
And you can find out more in Gabby's extraordinary new book, Self-Help, where she has those
tools to live our best possible life.
And just like Gabby, we have a lot of incredible guests for you on the Jess Roe Big Talk Show
podcast and it would mean so much to me if you subscribe to the show.
It's free and it means all of these great conversations will be quicker for you to access
in the app so you will never ever miss an episode.
And if there's someone in your life who would love this episode and who you think could
look at some ways that they can shift the way that they're heading into 2025, why not
share it with them by simply tapping the three dots that are on your screen.
And if you enjoy this episode with Gabby, I reckon you're going to love my conversation
with me, Gondela Kamina.
I'll put a link in the show notes for you.
Is that actually true?
Is it even my voice or whose voice is my inner critic?
Is it my fifth grade school teacher?
Who is the voice in my head?
And there could be many.
And then if I was going to soften into what do I want, what's true for me and what would
I do next, then we start to move through.
The Jess Roe Big Talk Show is hosted by me, Jess Roe, executive producer, Nick McClure.
She's a wonderful leopard lady, audio imager, Nat Marshall, supervising producer, Sam Kavanagh.
Until next time, remember to live big.
Life is just too crazy and glorious to waste time on the stuff that doesn't matter.