This special episode of The Big Talk Show is brought to you by our sponsor. Bring up
respect, Stop It at the Start. I'm joined by TV and radio host Carrie Bickmore. Carrie,
tell us about the Stop It at the Start campaign.
Well, first of all, hello, but I am so proud to be part of the Stop It at the Start campaign.
We know rates of domestic violence in our community are unacceptable. It is a national
disaster, and I think we all need to play our part in this disaster, but it's hard to know where
to start and how we can help. And I think bringing up respect is the perfect place to start. And not
all disrespect towards women ends in violence, but all violence against women starts with
disrespectful behaviour. So if we can set a good example for our kids, you know, as parents,
as coaches, aunties and uncles, you know, family and friends, then I think we're setting our kids
up for the best chance at a respectful life. This is for boys and girls. And I've learnt so much,
I have to say, being a part of this campaign, so many ways of having conversations with my kids
that I hadn't even thought of having with my kids. And yeah, it's been a beautiful honour to be a
part of so far. And I think there's a lot in this that parents will be like, oh my God, that's so
helpful. I didn't know how to start that conversation. And I think you make such a good point because it
is that idea of as parents, we think we've got to be across everything and experts at everything,
and we're not. We are still learning. I've got so much to learn. I mean, my daughters are now
teenagers. But I think back to when I was at school, and I remember there was a boy who
liked me. This was I was in primary school. I had pigtails, I had long hair. He used to pull my hair,
he'd sit behind me. And I used to think that that was all right. And people would say, oh,
it's because he likes you. That's why he's doing that. Absolutely. And I don't think we realise the
amount of times we say things in front of our kids or to our kids that is sort of a seemingly
harmless phrase that we've said over generations, but is really just playing down disrespect towards
girls. The fact of the matter is that that saying, he's just picking on you because he likes you
leaves the girl thinking, well, I can't get upset because, you know, if he hurts me because he likes
me and for the boy, it's telling them it's OK for them to behave like that when they like a girl.
And none of those things are OK. But they're things we've said and go to phrases that we've
learnt, you know, from perhaps our parents or from, you know, the school yard when we were there.
And there's other phrases like, you know, when a boy says something, you know, maybe in passing is
a joke. And then we say to the girl, don't get so upset about it. It was just a joke. That just
tells the boy one, it's OK to make sexist jokes. And to the girl, harden up, take a joke. And again,
that is not OK. But it's things that we've all said over the course of parenthood. And I think
it's about trying to turn that on its head. And this website is an amazing resource. It's called
The Excuse Interpreter. And it's all of those phrases, our go to phrases we don't realise we
use often and trying to tell us why those phrases can be harmful and what are some more, you know,
I guess, helpful phrases that we can use to encourage our children to grow up respecting one
another. And as you say, it is such a great resource. We're not expected to know it all.
And also as well, I mean, we've been talking a bit about what happens with girls, but also till
we say things to boys that isn't all right either, don't we? Absolutely. And I think it's really
interesting, I'm sure, and I've only realised it now that I'm reflecting, that the conversations
I've had with my girls might be different to the conversations I've had with my son. And I'm trying
to be far more aware of that. I think I thought as a parent of a boy that just raising him in a
respectful home without having the deliberate conversations was probably enough. And I'm now
learning that isn't enough because it's not just the home that he's existing in, he's part of a
school, he's part of, you know, all these sporting clubs, he's got friends, he's in other homes.
And so now I'm just, you know, I'm almost training myself when we're watching movies to,
you know, at the end of it to say, you know, what did you think of the way that men and women were
treated in that movie you just saw then? Or if I'm hearing him talk about something that's happened
with mates during the day, you know, asking the follow up conversations of, oh, right,
and how did that make you feel? And how do you wish you'd responded different, you know, and
getting him to reflect. I think this generation of children are far more aware of the issue of
respect than perhaps we were. I don't know whether it's, I'm hoping that it's because we're talking
about it more, but they are aware and sometimes you just need to begin that little conversation
and all of a sudden the rest of the conversation flows and you end up learning so much from your
kid as well as of teaching them as well. I reckon they are more aware too. I think about
my teenage daughters and they're far more outspoken and far more confident about calling out
unacceptable behaviour, which I think is fantastic, but perhaps not everyone is as confident. And you
mentioned too the importance of conversation and it's never just, let's just have the conversation
or one conversation. It's a series of conversations, isn't it? Well, I think that's the thing too.
As parents, it is a big responsibility being a parent and you're so worried sometimes about
nailing and getting it right and not causing damage that you just don't have the conversation
at all. It's almost the path of least resistance you think will mean I don't muck it up, I don't
get it wrong, they don't end up behaving in a way that's inappropriate. But the reality is
it's not enough and we have to have these conversations earlier and more often. And the
more often you have the conversation, the easier that conversation becomes. And I have been having
conversations with my kids since they were little about respect, but I have to say since being a
part of this campaign, I'm far more aware of it. And even the frequency through which I've been
having the conversations with my kids now, it's just gotten easier and easier and easier and it's
not as daunting. And because there's a resource, I don't worry that I'm going to stuff it up so much.
And I've realised that not all the impact is, I mean, kids don't listen to you half the time
anyway. So if you're saving it up for one conversation and that's one that they're not
tuned into that day, well, that's a wasted conversation, you know what I mean? So it's
got to be when you pick the kids up from school, when you're putting them to bed at night, when
you're watching a game of footy and you're watching people behave, you know, all the way that parents
on the sidelines might be behaving, they're perfect opportunities to just say on the way home,
hey, what did you think of that when you saw so and so yelling, you know, at one of the players or
and just keep that conversation going. And I think the best thing that I realised is I didn't have to
have the answer in that conversation. It's just about starting and continuing that conversation
with your kids. You don't have to be an expert. You just have to have positive conversations about
respect with your kids. And also listen, that's something that I have discovered that I need to
do more as a parent as well, that it's not sort of sitting down and having the lecture or talking
at them. Often, you'll discover far more if you listen to what it is they're telling you or listen
to what they're talking to their friends about. I think that's really important too. Well, that's
when I think I realised that they knew more than I thought I gave them credit for. And that was kind
of encouraging at the same time because I was like, oh, okay, you know, this generation is
hopefully going to be better than our generation because they are more clued into these kind of
things. But there were some of the stats that I was reading that made me realise we do have a long
way to go. And they're not just the stats around physical violence against women, but it's about
things like one in four young people don't think it's serious if a guy who is normally gentle
sometimes hurts his girlfriend when he's drunk and they're arguing. And you know, that's never
okay. But to think one in four young people think, you know, that that's okay really shocked me that
that's still in this day and age and we're having these conversations that still because he's okay
most of the time means that that behaviour is acceptable. The fact that one in four young men
think that girls want guys to be in charge of the relationship. So the narrative they're telling
themselves is that's what we want them to run the show and control us and tell us what we want.
Again, that just shows you the conversations we need to be having with our boys about what girls
want and that is not what we want, you know, but that's what they think. That's what they think's
okay. And I think the one that shocked me the most was one in five young people believe there are
times when women bear some of the responsibility for sexual assault. And I, you know, I just think
that's important to think that there are people out there that think that that's the case and that
there's girls thinking that they were responsible in some way for that behaviour and I just think
we all have a responsibility to change those statistics and to make a safer place for women
in our country. There is no excuse. We, you know, it's an amazing country and we should be ashamed
of the rates of domestic violence in this country. And we should be and it is shocking you revealing
those particular statistics. I think though what's important for people to remember though is
we can make a difference. We can do it by getting involved with the Stop It At The Start campaign.
Those tools are there and we can empower ourselves as parents to ensure that our
daughters and our sons grow up in a far better world. Carrie, thank you so much for your time
and your passion and all of your wonderful work. No worries Jess, nice to chat.
Thanks for listening to this special episode of the Big Talk Show brought to you by Bring Up Respect,
Stop It At The Start. Remember every little talk you have shapes your children. When you bring up
respect, respect grows. For conversation starters, tools and resources visit respect.gov.au
and please share this episode with other parents to help keep the conversation going.