Hello my lovely listeners. I've popped up in between guest chats because I love to talk
with you about something that has been on my mind. It might be something that's happened
in my life, it could be something in the news, but it is something that has captured my imagination.
So my big question this week is, what is the secret to a good marriage? Now why this is
on my mind is that my darling Petey and I have just celebrated 19 years together. I
cannot believe it. So where have the past 19 years gone? It's one of those things that
time has gone quickly, but at the same time I think, oh my goodness, so much has happened.
And so why I want to talk to you is I think we need to talk about relationships and what
is the key to making it work. And obviously there is never a one size fits all recipe
to a good marriage or a good partnership. There's never a one size fits all. I'm a huge
believer in life comes in all different shapes and sizes and what works for me isn't going
to necessarily work for you. But at the same time, I do want to share what has worked for
me and what is the secret to my good marriage. First of all, the best decision I have ever
made in my life was choosing Petey. He is the yin to my yang. And I know beautiful listeners,
I've chatted with you about that before, how different we are and why that works. He grounds
me when I'm getting a bit sort of woohoo and I lighten Petey. Perfect example. When I came
into the studio this morning, because I get excited, even though you can't see me, I still
like to dress up for the occasion. I've got wonderful green eyeshadow, fabulous pair of false
eyelashes that I did struggle to put on because my glasses, I need stronger and stronger glasses.
I've got fish all over my top and you know I'm sort of like a modern-day mermaid. So I've dressed
like that and as I'm leaving the house Petey goes, oh pussycat are you performing at the
Albury today? Special love to all of my beautiful drag queens out there. He was thinking that I
look like a drag queen, which I think is the ultimate compliment. But you know I'm overdressed,
I always love to do that. And you know the thing that did irritate me too, I didn't mind Petey
saying that, but what irritated me while I was trying to do my beautiful shiny green eyeshadow,
Petey thought he'd blow dry his hair and he's standing right behind me with the hairdryer
and I'm like I cannot put my lashes on with you standing right behind me breathing down my neck
and this hot air everywhere. And he said, oh but I thought you'd appreciate that. I thought by me
standing behind you I'm giving you space in the mirror but we're still close to each other. No,
it was very irritating. So yes, long marriage there will be moments of irritation but they're
just the small things. So that then brings me to don't sweat the small stuff.
Often we can fixate on those small things. I'm a mess. Many of you know I'm a crap housewife. I've
got piles of laundry everywhere. I mean I found Freddie, our pussycat, hiding underneath the
explosion of laundry. That doesn't faze me. But Petey sees it and he gets a bit agitated. He likes
to fold it. He likes it to be put away. I say no problems. Just go for broke there Petey. You fold
it away. I don't mind. I also have lots of dishes in the sink. That doesn't bother me either. I also
don't rinse. What's the point in the double rinse? It's a waste of water. If Petey sees me putting
dishes in that haven't been rinsed, he doesn't like that. But again, it's not a big deal. Yes,
he might get irritated with me. I might get irritated with him. But it doesn't matter. So
you sort of let those things slide. You know, you pick your battles. I think what else is the
secret to a good marriage is that you share the same moral compass. The big things that matter,
that is what you agree on. So you're not arguing about family, about those sorts of
values that matter to you. You want to share those sort of, in inverted commas, big picture
items. So both Petey and I, family is at the heart of who we are. Generosity is at the heart
of who we are. Kindness, compassion, and also working hard, doing something that you love
and supporting the person you love to do that. So they're the sorts of things that matter equally
to both of us. So because they matter equally to us, all those sort of small trivial things
like who's going to clean the kitty litter and surprise, surprise, it's not me.
Something else that I think often pops up when people talk about great relationships and the
secret to a good marriage is don't go to bed angry. Now I disagree. There are plenty of times
when Petey and I have gone to bed angry. Night time is often the worst time to have a discussion
and it's the worst time to resolve things. I think often issues always seem worse at night.
You're more tired. Everything seems more impossible. You need a good night's sleep.
So do not give yourself a hard time if you do go to bed angry sometimes. I mean obviously you don't
want to be doing it frequently but I reckon it's okay. There have been moments when Petey and I,
we've gone to bed angry with each other. We wake up, we've had a good sleep and then we can discuss
me over a litre of coffee what it is that was really upsetting us. Don't you find that those
sorts of arguments, when you really get to the bottom of it, it's often you're not listening to
one another. You might mishear what someone has said to you or you're holding on so much to something
that you're unaware of what your partner is trying to tell you. So you sort of need to listen
and to be open and I know the older I get the better I get at listening about not feeling that
I have to be right all the time or that I have to have the answer and the older I get the more I
realise we never have the answer and to me that key is to just listen to one another. To make that
person feel heard. Don't we all want to be heard? I mean that's the whole point of me doing this
podcast that I want you to hear from our incredible guests and to give them the space to talk.
Also I think you need to make time for each other. We invest so much time in our friendships,
in our families, in our career, in our kids if we've got kids that often we forget to make time
for our partner in life. We put them to the side we think oh that'll be right they'll be fine.
No we need to invest time in that relationship too. I'm not perfect though I still struggle
with that. I put everyone else dare I say ahead of Petey sometimes in the sense of for both of
us we'll put our kids at the top of the list. We want our kids to be happy and often we'll forget
about one another and you know ever since we've had kids we were like we need to have a date
night once a week. That didn't last. We haven't had date nights for ages. Life gets in the way
so perhaps it would be good to do a bit more of that but at the same time if you can't that's
all right. Perhaps what I might try and do this year is to make more time for just Petey and I
to have that time together. What I think also works is give each other space to pursue your own
interests. You don't have to live in each other's pockets. I mean it would be so boring. There's
things that Petey loves like aviation and I'm not remotely interested but he loves he subscribes to
I don't know if it's aviation weekly or monthly it's probably monthly and he is so excited when
that arrives in the post and I tease him I say Petey your porn has arrived because it's like he
loves it there's nothing more that he loves than looking at planes big planes and also watching on
the television all those plane shows and then there's also tv shows about railway lines and
big equipment big construction equipment and trucks and oh no thank you very much I couldn't
think of anything worse but I love all the Real Housewives that's the best for me so I inhale all
of that while Petey's inhaling all of his big buildings and big trucks and all of those sorts
of things. Also the thing that Petey loves he loves a rom-com. I'm not a massive rom-com fan I
like things that are probably a little darker a little edgier and I think this sums it up perfectly
just the other night I was watching with Giselle our youngest daughter Wednesday on Netflix which
is such a great series it's so much fun it's dark it's funny it's clever and it's such an amazing
sort of remake on the Addams family but focusing on Wednesday Addams so Giselle and I are loving
that and from next door Petey's watching on the other telly is this really loud bad music but it's
classical music but it's bad classical music and we're going what on earth is that and it turns out
Petey's watching a rom-com about ballet dances and it's so bad but Petey's there in tears watching
the ballet dancer rom-com while Giselle and I are watching Wednesday next door but again that's fine
he enjoys that we can do the other bits and pieces so I think as well the more that you're
with someone it's important to sort of let them spread their wings with their interests and yours
because you don't have to live in each other's pockets all the time and I think when you're often
first in a relationship you feel like you need to share everything and feel the same way about
everything as they do no that's not the case at all Petey and I will have very healthy
in inverted commas arguments I'll say discussions about big issues there's issues politics current
affairs that we'll disagree on but that's fine I think that's life he will annoy me though sometimes
when he'll say to me you're not on studio 10 anymore when I'll be very strident about a
particular issue but you don't need to agree on absolutely everything I think what's really
important is to realise that your relationship is going to change over time that it ebbs and
flows and that's going to obviously be impacted on what else is happening in your life when it's
just the two of you you can be so just focused on one another there's no one else taking your
attention then if you decide to have kids you know when kids come along that adds a whole different
pressure a whole different part to your relationship and that is hard I look back on those early days
when our girls were tiny and there were times when I didn't like Petey very much because there was
a part of me that was resentful that thought you can leave in terms of you can go and keep doing
your work your life hasn't changed of course it had changed but I was so absorbed in the massive
change to my life as a mum and there was all these things I was thinking I couldn't do anymore
and I was trying to make sense of all of this change whereas Petey was heading back to work
his career was continuing all of these sorts of things and he'd ring me from the other side
of the world this was when he was doing 60 minutes and say oh I've done this and seen this and spoken
to this person and they'd be quiet for me on the other end of the phone and he'd say well what
about you what have you been doing and I'd be like well I've pureed spaghetti bolognese I've
gone to the playground I've been up since 3am so Petey then realised it wasn't a great idea to be
ringing me telling me about all the amazing things he was doing when I was on the other side of the
world feeling really worn down by the grind of little kids even though I adore my girls
it can be so boring and exhausting so of course there's that phase of a relationship
and then as they get bigger it's wonderful because you start to feel like yourself again in the sense
of you have time for yourself you have time as a couple to be together another thing that is
important to a good marriage the secret is laughter to me laughter is the stuff of life
you want your partner to be someone who makes you laugh who gets you okay there are moments
when Petey rolls his eyes and he's like why are you dressed in an inflatable snowman suit
which is what I wore for our Christmas celebrations with my family I loved it
and it made me laugh it made everyone else laugh apart from Petey but then what did make me really
laugh even more was Petey said promise me you're not going to wear that suit on Christmas day when
my family come around so I listened I listened that's another important thing listen to your
partner listen to what matters to them I didn't wear the suit on the day because I knew
that was important to him for me not to wear the snowman suit that there'd be other moments where
I could wear crazy outfits and finally you need to celebrate each other celebrate each other's
success there's no way I would be who I am today without my darling husband by my side
believing in me backing me when no one else would I know he is always there for me the same
way I celebrate Petey's successes in all the different sides of his life we need to be one
another's biggest cheerleaders so my lovely listeners I hope that has given you some insights
some ideas some thoughts but also most importantly just know nothing is perfect
no relationship is perfect there's always so much more going on but it's about what is it that makes
your heart sing what is it that works for you as a couple so that is why I've shared what works for
Petey and I and why after 19 years we're still going strong bring on the next 19 and I'll be
back next week with another beautiful big conversations with one of my incredible guests
until then beautiful listeners I love you and have an amazing day listener