You may know that I'm a crazy cat and now dog lady.
Daphne is our gorgeous multi shih tzu and Daisy and Freddie are our pussy cats and they
are such an essential part of our family.
So what happens when our pet family members die?
How do we manage our grief?
Now this is something that I talk and share with my family and friends but it can be hard
for some people to understand the heartbreak and pain that we feel when one of our beautiful
four legged family members passes.
So that is why my big question this week is why is pet loss grief so hard?
And I have the perfect person to help me answer this big question.
It's the divine Dr Katrina Warren and Kat is one of Australia's most recognised vets
and pet experts with a media career that spans 30 years.
Now Kat also happens to be one of my dearest friends.
I first met her when I began reading the 5 o'clock news on Channel 10.
It was my very first day in the job and we were there in the make up room together and
then we got especially close during lockdown when we got our little puppy dog Daphne and
Kat used to help me with tips for Daph and then we would go dawdling with our dogs together.
Well this is a really special episode for me because I've got my beautiful friend here
with me, Katrina who I call Kat and it really is very special to have you in the studio.
You've brought Chill, your darling dog, and we're talking about something that is so close
to both of our hearts and something that we talk a lot about but not enough people talk
Why do you think that is the fact?
Why don't we talk enough about the grief, that overwhelming grief that can happen when
we lose our beautiful pet?
Look I don't know, I think it's because those of us that love our pets so closely and have
that bond, our human pet bond is just so tight, we really understand.
We understand the depth of that bond and that connection and when they pass away we grieve
heavily but not everyone understands that and not everyone has had the blessed experience
that we have had or has loved pets with all our heart.
And so unfortunately there are still people that will say things to you like are you going
to replace them, you're going to get another one and they really discount our feelings
and I think that's why so many people feel like it's a really isolated lonely journey
and they feel almost guilty for grieving the pet to the level that they do.
And that happens time and time again, my beautiful producer Nick, we talk a lot too because she's
got her two beautiful boys who are now at the Rainbow Bridge and the grief that she
has felt over losing them is something that is still so present with her and it's funny
in a way that often that grief that you have when you lose your pet, it's almost more painful
than losing a human, why is that?
Grief is grief and the number of people who have said to me they've grieved more heavily
for their pet than a family member or a spouse and I think that's because you're with your
pets every minute of the day.
They give you unconditional love and they don't judge you and we're always happy to
see them and you can't say the same about human relationships, there's always ups and
downs and angst and your pets just warm your heart and so we mourn their loss heavily because
we're so used to just having that joy.
And to having that constant presence and as you say that unconditional love and I think
that's what our pets give us which is just so important.
Yes and many people have said it's the first time they've ever seen their dad cry or a
man in their life cry and I'll have men tell me too going, oh I buried my mum, I lost my
dog and so they are your best friends and I think we need to just acknowledge that more.
You mention there how often for men it's something that it's the first time that they might cry
or be particularly emotional and that makes me think about Petey, my husband, he loves
cats and I don't think I could have fallen in love with him if he didn't love cats to
the level that I do.
We had this beautiful grey cat called Alfie and we got Alfie when we first became engaged
so he was very much a part of our life together and then when Alfie died Petey sobbed and
we were all together, the girls and I and Petey, we were lucky because we were together
and we were able to hold Alfie as he died and for the girls that was the first time
they had heard their dad cry and they had never heard him so sad in that particular
way and it's extraordinary isn't it and as I talk I have a little plastic bag here and
Alfie's collar is still in here with a little bit of his fur and even though it's in this
sort of little clear bag this is on my bedside table in my top drawer, it's so special for
me still to have that.
Yeah and it's comforting and I always say to people if you're lucky enough to have some
time in advance to plan and think about it as hard as it is but think about some little
things that you want to keep, I've got all my pet's collars as well, I'm collecting
them now, I've got quite a lot, I have very strict instructions with my friends that if
I pass away all my pets are to go in with me so all the ashes of the four pets that
I've had as an adult so that no one else has to deal with the ashes but they go with me
and they will be on my heart but it is nice to have those little mementos and we are living
in a time when you can get beautiful things made, pendants and artwork and you know some
absolutely beautiful things, I know when Mr Fox died some of my beautiful fans on my Facebook
page got me this gorgeous little pendant, it was like a hologram of his face.
And Mr Fox of course was your beautiful pussycat and that was particularly hard as well because
of the connection that he had with your daughter.
That was horrific actually because he passed away suddenly on a Sunday night, I'd been
working, I was very glad I was there because we'd just come home and when you're not there
when a pet passes that opens up another whole world of anxiety and guilt and what is.
We were there and I'm confident that nothing could have been done to save him, I think
he had a heart issue but it happened in front of my 10 year old and I was 10 when my first
pet cat died and I still remember, I've still got a carried around, I can remember the date,
Wednesday May the 31st, how do I remember that from when I was 10?
You know I carried around his collar and some hair and so I had to go through that with
my daughter at the same age and it was heart wrenching but it teaches children about the
reality of life and death and death is a part of life and we do know that how we deal with
death with our kids does have an impact on how they learn and manage and process death
And that is such an important but also very hard conversation and as you say it is often
the first time that our kids have to get their head around what death actually means and
the finality of it, Giselle who is now 14 but she was 9 when Bronte, her goldfish died
and this was her first pet and she was bereft and I was thinking how can I help my daughter
grapple with this question of why is this pet loss from a goldfish so hard for her and
so we decided that we would have a little ceremony and I said well darling why don't
you write something and we can bury Bronte, the goldfish, under our gum tree and I'll
never forget the image of her standing with this little journal in her hands reading to
Bronte and I'll just share with you just a few of the little things that she said here.
She's got, dear Bronte, the day I got you from the pet shop I knew that you were the
one. I kept my finger on you so the man would get the right one. I remember how happy I
was when I got you. On the drive back home I held you in a plastic bag trying to think
of a good name for you and I decided it was Bronte. You were sick and I did wish that you
stayed alive. You were the best fish ever. I will always love you and you were so special to me.
We will bury you now. Bye bye Bronte. Oh Giselle that's so beautiful but doesn't
it show you how important pets are in our lives and you know I know and I'm sure you were the
same as a little child. We form those bonds and those close attachments and you remember
your pets but it carries on through life and I think once you know, I mean Giselle clearly
loves her animals now but with children it depends on their ages as well how they process it
because under seven, eight they don't understand permanence and so sometimes people get very upset
because the children will be like when are they coming back and I remember Charlotte when Toby
died she put out four pairs of shoes and she said there's four shoes for Toby and four shoes
for Millie that was our cat in case they want to come back from wherever they are and she had them
outside her door and those things tear your heart apart but they are about you know they are a part
of life and what you did there with the ceremony as I always encourage people and also not just
kids adults as well because we don't do it so much with pets right we do it with humans we know
there's a ceremony and an acknowledgement and an honouring of life and while it doesn't give you
closure it sort of gives you a moment to reflect and understand well that chapter's gone and now
they're living in our heart so it was a really beautiful thing you did and I encourage everyone
to think about it or get you know something nice you can do for someone that's lost a pet is
actually get some of your friends to write you know messages in a book I've got messages about
Toby I didn't look at them for a long time afterwards but just you know stories about
what a great dog he was and a whole lot of photos and things like that which is such a beautiful
thing to do and with Toby he was your soul mate almost in a way yeah and you know what without
crying he um he was part of my identity which was so strange because you know I got this little
puppy on television in front of tv cameras and he grew up on tv and you know at the time we didn't
know that that show back in those days how his practice was going to be so successful
but he became part of me and people used to always talk to him and it was kind of an
icebreaker pets are such an icebreaker and so when he was gone I was like what am I going to
talk about and I don't have something to break the ice and everyone used to smile when they
saw Toby they don't smile as much when they you know just see me and I had to come to terms with
that but also you know behind the scenes just missing the companion that I'd had for 14 years.
But he still is so much in your heart and for you though where do you put that grief or sadness?
Oh look I struggle with it sometimes on you know as you know I've lost a number of pets
and interestingly sweet old Riley when he passed away I was a lot and I shouldn't say
better but I was a little bit more at peace because Riley had had such a terrible backstory
before me and I'd been able to give him this beautiful chance at life and he you know he'd
had a really good turnaround in his life and I probably did a little less with Riley he didn't
love getting in the car he was scared he didn't do as many things and I wasn't as taken down by
the grief as I was with Toby and Mr Fox. Mr Fox because it was sudden death and anyone that is
going through this right now I send all my sympathies and my love and the grief you are
feeling is real and really tricky it takes time and you know I know people will one of the most
commonly searched google things is how long will grief last when I've lost a pet because people you
just want that pain to go away you just want it to go away but you can't make it go away all you can
do is you need to go through the grief but I do say to people if you can surround yourself with
people who understand unfortunately we have this world of people with the comments of it was just
a cat you know like cats are replaceable get another one when you're going to replace it
those comments just make people hide behind their door and you feel like you're going mad because
you think oh I've got to get over it and I was a bit like that with Mr Fox just going oh get over
it get over it and I couldn't it was so painful and the grief is so overwhelming you'll be walking
down the street and all of a sudden you're struggling to breathe and you you don't know
what to do but I surround myself with the friends that really get it and apart from having that
understanding around you what else can we do to help with that emptiness grief brings when we
lose our pet I'm not a grief counselor or expert but for me again it's about trying to you know
engage with people that you're comfortable with I found and I think maybe this had something I
think this was a big part with it actually when Riley passed away I had chili already and so
that's the first time in my life I'd had the double dog so I did have another dog who was a
high energy dog that kind of kept me focused you know when with Mr Fox I was I was lost and also
with Toby what was really interesting Jess with Toby was he passed away about five days before I
had to go overseas for seven weeks for work and everyone rallied around and I've really learned
from this from my own experience everyone rallied around and oh my gosh it's Toby and my
my driveway was covered in flowers and it was so beautiful but I trotted off to LA and I really
believe everyone around me was like oh that was lucky she's got something to keep her busy and
oh phew phew but when I came back I had to walk into my house that was empty I still had to pick
up these ashes that were at a friend's house because I didn't I couldn't face it before I
went away and that's when I fell in a heap so my lesson for that and for people that know
friends are struggling and now dear sweet Nick who's here today you can tell that the grief just
doesn't go away in a week or two it actually escalates for me personally because it's longer
and longer and longer since you've seen your beautiful pet so to manage it all you can do is
go through it and try for me I was trying to keep myself busy and then I say to people one day one
day the tears will for me sort of turned into smiles at the memories and now although you're
making me cry but now I can usually look at the memories of Toby and Mr Fox and Riley and I can
smile and I can laugh and I can and reflect back at it so one day that pain eases and interestingly
this is so interesting the day that Toby passed away I was doing a shoot with Golden Retriever
Rescue which is where Riley came from a year to the day by fluke that Toby passed away and Wendy
who runs Golden Retriever Rescue asked me how he was and I said oh he's getting really old and
and she said but would you trade the last day of his life for all the joy that you've had for 14
years and you wouldn't you absolutely wouldn't and would I front up and do it again I don't want the
heartache but the joy and the love we get from our pets makes it worth it and here I am again
so as you are as well so our pets are so magical that the joy that they bring us
is worth that pain and also knowing we know we sign up knowing that their lives are shorter than
ours but we still sign up don't we. Is that why as well you think that pet loss grief is so hard
because of that joy that connection like nothing else that they bring to our lives and then suddenly
when that's not there anymore yeah your life can feel very empty and alone. It's very lonely
it's very I think pet loss is I think it is so lonely because you are with your pets in the
house alone we were talking about before that when maybe a parent dies or a friend dies it's awful
and I'm not diminishing that in any way but what happens with the pets is we're used to this little
click click click click on the floor and they're still and what is funny is the things that annoy
you like my cat you know rowing at six in the morning to get you out of bed they're the things
that suddenly you're like oh I would do anything to have those noises back so I think it makes the
house lonely as it would if a person in your house also passed away but you know and then
if we extend that on to you know the seniors and the elderly people where they've got you know
their pet is sometimes the reason for them to get outdoors the reason that they get up in the
morning to walk the little dog or to you know to feed the cat and when that pet is taken away the
loneliness and isolation can be terrible. And that's something that I think we all need to be so
mindful of we as massive animal lovers and animal people have a sense of that grief that happens
when you lose your pet but what about for some people who are listening who might be not as
invested either in their animals or not have animals and be thinking oh come on what's
what's the big deal what would your advice be to them to perhaps help some friends or to think
about this in a different way? I think it's hard to understand if you don't have that bond because
as we know it is so close but I think the best thing you can do is be very careful with your
words and understand that for that person their bond is extremely tight so be careful with your
words offer to listen and ask if there's anything you can do to help so it might be as simple as
coordinating picking up the ashes because that's quite a that's a really tough day if you've got
to go and pick them up from somewhere or they're being collected perhaps you could get the phone
number through the vet clinic of a pet loss counselor if someone's really struggling there
are some pet loss support services through counselors what I would say is please go to a
pet loss experienced counselor I have spoken with several people who have been to counseling
and had the same kind of comments oh it's time for you to think about moving on and get another pet
so if you end up with accidentally with someone that doesn't get the bond they should get it but
and it shouldn't matter but I just say go to the people that are really empathetic
sometimes just having an ear to let you know that your grief is validated your feelings are validated
the counselors can help you talk through any guilt that you may have that can really help so if you
are listening and you don't get the pet thing that would be my advice just to try and listen
and understand but not to put your judgment and then to try and you know help facilitate them
with people that really understand a couple of years ago I got contacted in one week by two
different very different people both of them had had their dogs killed in front of them by
other dogs it was horrific one was an older lady one was a young couple with a baby they're both
of them and with their permission behind the scenes I got them connected through social media
and it really helped each other they really helped and sometimes the vets can connect you
with someone in your local area that might be going through a similar thing and that can help
as well because then you can both feel like you're not going mad together but you but exactly and
it's that connection isn't it which is what we all yearn that connection and to feel listened
to and to feel understood yeah and to try and lessen some of that pain and you may be I don't
know if lucky is the right word but say for example you know that there might be a long
illness that your pet is going through I think about with our pussycats we knew that we had to
send them to the rainbow bridge so we organised to have a vet come to our house and help us
when you know that's approaching are there some particular things that you could recommend people
could do to somehow make that less difficult yes it's really hard in some ways it's a privilege
but it's also really stressful and if you know you're working towards euthanasia that comes with
a lot of questions as well but it is a privilege and it's the ultimate act of love for your pet
that we can let them pass without pain and we're also seeing as well a lot of advances in palliative
care so one thing as your pet is aging make sure that you are offering them adequate veterinary
care don't just assume things are just old age these days we know like I know that there's
sunset vets just specialise in palliative care and euthanasia for animals to make this journey
across the rainbow so much more pleasant but you can also do it's not all sad Jess because you're
all cheery but something that's nice to do is a bucket list for pets I have one of these for Toby
I was like what would be Toby's best ever day and within that bucket list you know you don't have
to do it all at once but it could be things like catching up with your favourite doggy friends that
maybe you haven't seen for ever so long or a little doggy party with just a few of your old
mates and you know we all lose contact and sometimes all catching up with some people
that were part of their life you know getting their paw prints making their favourite treats
just to make a little list of all the things that you would love to do with your pet and a
photo shoot is lovely too that's for the human but then maybe taking them to their favourite
you know swimming hole or park as well there's such really special suggestions and and I also
think about what you were mentioning about the euthanasia that I remember for us we really
struggled with deciding okay that's what we needed to do but someone sort of explained it to me like
well it's actually it's the biggest act of love you can do for your pet because it's got to be
about them yeah it can't be about you wanting to prolong that relationship with them it has to be
about them no longer in pain and I remember it was such a privilege actually with our pussycats
when it was time to say goodbye to them that the vet came around they were given some medication
which relaxed them we wrapped them up in a lovely blanket and we held them we spoke to them you know
we said makes me teary thinking about it but you know we said our goodbyes yep so and that's a
privilege to be able to put voice to what you want to say it really is and it's tough and look
there's so many different versions of the circumstance that can lead to euthanasia so sometimes it's
sudden and horrible and dramatic but sometimes you're building up to it and it people I get a
lot of friends and people calling me to say how do I know it's time and you can go online and you
will find sort of questionnaires where you actually you know are they eating are they drinking to me
it's about their quality of life obviously you don't want them in pain so there's a pain issue
and then there's also you know are they having more bad days than good days are they interested
in their surroundings are they you know are they still eating and if suddenly it's all going into
the bad days and then they're not interested and they're not eating or then you know you've
got to you've got to prepare yourself but again it is a blessing to be able to have that moment
with them and to say what you want to say and to tell them that you love them and more and more
people are now doing the euthanasias like you did at home and if you can do that I think there's
a lot of merits to it because your pet is comfortable you can put music on I was doing
this with Riley of course he could still eat right up to the end and go for some ice cream
golden retriever he is such a beautiful doggy he was such a darling he really was and that all
happened quite suddenly as well but I knew that I knew his time was coming oh he was suddenly you
know he was getting very old you know and I say to people too like if you are the person helping
a friend through this sometimes you need to stand back because it's their process but there's just
some simple things you can do to just make sure that they're organised so I will just gently say
to people now do you want to keep their collar maybe you know pop the collar off have you thought
about what you want to wrap them up in because that's quite a stressful time as well and if you
haven't thought about it you suddenly like oh here's you know here's an old towel but you want your
pets to go with things that you want them to go with you know have you thought are you burying
them are you cremating them so just a few gentle little things just to help them through that
again as you're saying and I think this is so important when we think about why
is pet loss grief so hard they leave their paw prints on our hearts and that never goes away
and they are part of our family they're our babies they are and more so now than ever before
if you look at all the trends and the statistics that you know the majority of pet owners not all
you know you go to some rural areas and the you know pets are kept differently in some places but
the majority of us think of our pets as family members particularly women they are our family
members so it's understandable that we grieve for them so heavily and as you said earlier too for
people who are listening who are mourning the loss of their darling pet to go gently on themselves
to realise hey this is okay that you're feeling this way it is okay if you feel like you're not
okay then reach out for some help through a counselor I would recommend speak to people
you can sometimes feel like you're not okay it's particularly in that period afterwards you I mean
honestly it can be so overwhelming and you almost can't understand why you're feeling this pain
because so many people around you have the oh dear it's just a dog just died you know and
I think that's why it's so difficult I think if everyone turned around and embraced it like you
have and Nick has and everyone it would be different and we'd be allowed to grieve but
we still feel like we're doing this behind closed doors a little bit so thanks to you people like
you having this discussion we don't need to be doing this behind closed doors we need to
acknowledge our grief to get that support and to mourn the loss of our beautiful you know furry
all as in Giselle's case the goldfish scaly family and look grief is grief too no matter this is one
thing I learned many years ago from lifeline is grief is grief no matter what it is whether it be
a goldfish or a pet cockroach or whatever it is if you are grieving it is grief so for a little
girl to lose her goldfish then it can tear your heart apart so no thank you Jess for bringing up
this discussion because it's one that people find a little bit too hard to talk about I think
and we need to talk about it just to finish up and this is the rainbow bridge has come up a number of
times in our discussion and also we've spoken a lot about the rainbow bridge over the years
and it's a beautiful poem and I've found it especially useful and helpful when I think about
mourning my beautiful pets perhaps give us a little bit of background first of all for what
actually the rainbow bridge is oh the rainbow bridge most people who've lost a pet have been
sent the rainbow bridge poem and we all end up in tears it's a beautiful magical place
where basically you're reunited with your pet and your pet is there whole and healthy again and oh
I'm already crying now but what's so amazing is most of your listeners that have had pets will
know of this poem and only in the last couple of years the real history of it has come out so
a historian traced back the writer of this poem this is an incredible story a lady called Edna
wrote it in 1958 when she was a teenager she'd lost her dog wrote this poem and it was on like
her sister's page in one of her sister's notebooks she ripped it out several years later many years
later she got married she gave that poem to some friends whose pets had passed away who gave it to
their friends it's spread around the world she did not know she's in her 80s now she was tracked
down two years ago had no idea that this poem was comforting to so many people and you know
numbers of people a lot of people have tried to claim it as their own but she actually had
the original in her attic in her 80s so Edna thank you for me and the pets and all the pet
lovers that have had some comfort from this poem would you like to read it would you like to read
it who's going to cry on air I don't mind we could read a part of it each would you like to do that
just this side of heaven is a place called rainbow bridge when an animal dies that has been
especially close to someone here your pet goes to the rainbow bridge there are meadows and hills for
all of our special friends so they can run and play together there's plenty of food water and
sunshine and friends are warm and comfortable all the animals who've been ill and old are restored
to health and strength those who were hurt are made better and strong again like we remember
them before they go to heaven they are happy and content except for one small thing they each miss
someone very special to them who had to be left behind they all run and play together but the day
comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance his bright eyes are shining his body
shakes suddenly he begins to run from the herd rushing over the grass his legs carrying him
faster and faster and when you and your special friend finally meet you cuddle in a happy hug
never to be apart again you and your pet are in tears your hands again cuddle his head and you
look again into his trusting eyes so long gone from life but never absent from your heart and
then you cross the rainbow bridge together oh jess oh isn't that the most beautiful
thank you for reading it with me and sharing that with our listeners thank you i adore that
poem because to me it sums up perfectly why pet loss grief is so hard how we love our animals so
much but what they mean to us but also i love that sense of then we are reunited again and
whether that be whatever our idea of heaven is it doesn't it doesn't have to have religious
connotations but it's sort of wherever it is that we are happy and whole again we come together
with our beautiful pets yeah it's so beautiful and you're so right and i just again reaching
out to anyone that's in the throes of this right now and just know jess and i hear you and we hear
you and um yeah just go gently go gently and think about that rainbow bridge thanks so much
thank you beautiful so special having you thank you where's our chilly pop your little head up
no chill who's here oh darling oh thank you thank you i'm still wiping away tears that poem
the rainbow bridge it is so beautiful and it also offers me enormous comfort and i hope for you it
also can offer you some comfort if you're mourning the loss of one of your beautiful pets now lovely
dr katrina she introduced me to tiktok and she's got some fabulous pet tips and all sorts of things
on tiktok so if you want to find her there you just need to go to dr katrina warren as well you
can find her on insta at dr katrina so there is so much that cat is doing and it was a real privilege
for me to have that very special conversation with my darling friend we have so many incredible
guests for you this year on the jessro big talk show podcast and it would mean so much to me
if you subscribe to the show now why it's free it means you can have all of these great conversations
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